Parents: Who is Performing this Mitzvah?

When it comes to preparing for a bar or bat mitzvah, of course the kids have to learn all of the prayers.  There’s no getting around that task! However, the community service, project A.K.A. “bar or bat mitzvah project,” also involves a lot of time, preparation and effort.

So the question is:  are the kids REALLY doing the work in performing their own bar/bat mitzvah project or does Mom or Dad take over this role and do most of the work for them in an effort to make it easier on the child and lessen the burden?

If we are to truly teach our kids, who are transitioning to young adults, about “tikkun olam,”  (repairing the world), then it is OUR responsibility as parents to guide our children to perform their own bar/bat mitzvah project.

Pre-teens are old enough to make decisions for themselves.  As a parent, you can assist your child by working along side of them to research the community service project that peaks their child’s interest.  But, don’t do the deciding for them! They have minds of their own and what seems valuable and exciting to you may seem dull and tedious to them.  There are so many organizations in need of volunteers.  Have your bar/bat mitzvah student dig deep to find that special something, making the project a pleasure, not a chore.

Second, allow them to do the project themselves!  Sure, they may need you to drive them to the assisted living home to play their flute for the elderly or take them to a craft store to buy the yarn to make the crotched hats they hope to donate to children in need, but you are not the star in the show.  You are the assistant.  Permit your child to implement his/her own ideas.  The more hands on work the student experiences, the more pride and joy they will feel in the end.  That’s the purpose of repairing the world.  They will not receive payment for their work; they will be paid back with pride and joy over their accomplishment.

It’s not the parent’s responsibility to write the solicitation letter on behalf of their child who is asking for gently used clothing to donate to a shelter.  Children go to school to learn to write and read.  The letter needs to be written from the bar/bat mitzvah student.  They’ll most likely end up with more donations in the end because people want to give to children when they see the effort they are putting forth in helping others.

Parents tend to feel empathy for their overscheduled children who are involved in sports, after-school clubs and have hours of homework.  Our role is to help them manage their time, prepare well in advance and encourage them to do their best.  If we do the community service project for them, we are short-changing the whole experience of what it is to become an adult in a Jewish world.  We must set an example for our kids and show them what giving actually is.

stephanie nolt photo bat mitzvah

Now imagine, after months of preparation for this momentous day, your child is up on the bima, proudly delivering his bar mitzvah speech. He proudly announces:  “For MY bar mitzvah project I CHOSE to work with….by volunteering MY time at…..I really value this experience and will treasure it always!  Now, YOU, as a Mom or Dad, did something right!  You taught your soon-to -be-adult how to be a mensch and make a difference in this world!  Mazel tov!


Visit, a website created for the purpose of helping bar/bat mitzvah students find meaningful mitzvah projects.

-Written by the Co-Founders of ,
Cheryl Friedenberg & Valerie Franklin,